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| Establishing a relationships- first father visit to one year old in 8 months | ||
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Posted 31 January, 2010, 12:25 PM
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Silver Member
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Hi my childrens father is spending his first time with the children in over 8 months and Im hoping to make it as smooth as possible. There are two older children who are happy to go but also a one year old. She has no memory of him so essentially handing her over to the unknown and Im unable to predict her response as its the first time i have let her go to someone essentially unknown but luckily her siblings will be there too  ). Their father on his first visit is also bringing his new squeeze which Im not overly happy about as it will be putting two uknown faces to the one year old, I was kind of hoping on his first visit that it would just be him and later an introduction of the new lady in his life but this isnt going to be the case. I feel its going to exaggerate the 1 year olds reaction. Anyway I deal with what I have to.Does anybody have any tips on how I can make the transition of changeover more smooth? She is quite attached to me anyway (has only known me) and hasnt even spent a night away from me before ANYWHERE. Im hoping its not going to be distressing but feel it will. I have encouraged the babys older siblings to help try and soothe her whilst with her Dad if it happens but so far thats all I can think of. Advice appreciated! |
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Posted 31 January, 2010, 12:44 PM
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all you can do is try to remain calm and be positive about visits, having the older children there should make it much easier than if the 1 yr old was going alone. | |
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Posted 31 January, 2010, 10:20 PM
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Silver Member
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It's lovely that your ex is going to finally see the children after so long and must be very endearing to you to be able to share in the older children's excitement!! The presence of the older siblings should ease some of the anxiety which might otherwise be experienced by your littlest cherub from being separated for the longer time period from you as the primary caregiver. I'm not certain what kind of relationship your ex and you have but if you have not thought about it already and provided it would be seen as beneficial (given he has not seen the bub since he/she was 4 months old) and so long as it would not be taken as interference you might want to write down some things about your littlest cherub for your ex to give him the heads up i.e. routines, naps, fave foods, your most successful settling methods, comforters etc as after all what works for one baby might not always for another. To ease your own nerves a little. Not sure if you're much of a drinker, I know I'm not really but when my littlest man (he was a bit younger than your bub also with older siblings...few years ago now) spent his first night ever away from me...I'm sure I gave any alcoholic a run for his/her money! (Yeah Yeah a little (LOT) exaggerated...but I was certainly drunk! )Anyway I wish you luck and know it's hard the first time...but like you know...it's a good thing they're seeing their father and it does get easier!!  Last edit: 31 January, 2010, 11:43 PM by CrazyWorld
"Never, "for the sake of peace and quiet," deny your own experience or convictions". Dag Hammarskjold
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Posted 02 February, 2010, 12:34 AM
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Silver Member
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The problem of the 1 year old being upset would have not occurred if in the last 8 months you had allowed time with the childs father. (enen if supaevised) Maybe it is good that now after 8 months this can now start to happen. Good wishes to dad. |
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Posted 02 February, 2010, 06:42 AM
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Silver Member
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that comment is disgusting, their father moved away interstate and didnt bother for months. Would be nice if you thought about what you write, I initiated FRC, I approached HIM with the childrens wishes of contact months ago, he didnt get his act into gear for ages. Dont grandstand to me on behalf of Dads not interested, especially when youve got no idea of my background circumstances. | |
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Posted 02 February, 2010, 08:30 AM
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Percolo Alio
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Hubbypays, I applaud you for your efforts. I have been on both sides of the fence. A mum trying to ensure a good relationship with Dad for her kids sake and the "new piece" who came along to the first meeting. (I don't consider it a first meeting, but I know mum did and was unhappy - very long story). Kalimnadancer, you are speaking from a position of hurt and have not been following HPs posts. If HP were the mother of your grandchild, you would not be on this forum. While there is some obvious emotion there, I think HP needs our support. Crazyworld has given some excellent suggestions. A very brief note on when baby will next need a nappy change and something to eat would be useful. You could even supply a napsack with a comfort toy/blanket and some snacks. You will need to decide depending on how any "help" will be perceived by Dad. You may have to talk Dad through a rough night. I did with my children, but I did it knowing that he had to prove himself as a Dad to feel confident with the children, or he would never become more than a sporadic presence in their life. Sometimes, in my less altruistic moments, I regret this, but my children never have. My ex remains incredibly disrespectful to me, but he loves his children and they love him. As for there being a "new piece" on the scene, focus on the positives. There is another adult to lend a hand who will, hopefully, be a helpful and loving force in the home if/when your children go for longer visits. After spending the first hour deafened by the silence, make sure you do some nurturing things for yourself. Have a bath with candles. Read a book. Get a massage. Do something you can't do with your children in tow. Or, conversely, a big cup of milk and an early night to make the time go faster. Best wishes.
Junior Executive of SRL-Resources
Executive Member of SRL-Resources, the Family Law People on this site (Look for the Avatars). Be mindful what you post in public areas. For total privacy, join SRL-R at www.srl-resources.org for In-depth, reliable and confidential family law support. 66 Family Law Forums. All members are verified. No search engines, no public forums, no visitors, no guests, no exs. |
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Posted 04 February, 2010, 01:26 AM
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Bronze Member
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kalimnadancer - as you know, there are many wonderful fathers out there struggling to be a part of their children's lives at the mercy of a cruel and vindictive woman, but surely you must realise it has to go both ways. There are also many woman who desperately want for their children to know the love and nurturing of a father, yet no matter how accomodating they are or how much they try, he just won't put in any effort. My partner is the former, and my ex is the latter, so I see both angles. It would be helpful - or more importantly, respectful - to at least take the time to ASK a person what their situation is before you condemn and crucify them. HP - I think the most important factor in how your child interprets the situation will be YOUR reaction. She will look to you to understand whether this new experience is normal and acceptable. If your attitude is relaxed, positive and nonchalant, she will be more likely to follow suit. If you are tense and agitated, expect her to be wary and suspicious when you try to leave. If it's possible, it might be helpful to allow a little time for a slow introduction. For example, you could suggest having a coffee with the father and his partner before they leave (or you leave, depending on who's transporting), in the hopes of giving him half an hour or so to play, chatter and build a bit of a rapport between him and your daughter rather than her simply being whisked away upon meeting him. The other children could join in too; again, she will see that they are happy and comfortable with this situation, and she will hopefully feel the same. I would definitely ask Dad what he thinks though, to avoid having him feel like you are just trying to retain control of the situation. It might suck to make inane smalltalk with the pair, but you gotta get used to it sometime.  Another suggestion would be to tell her all about it in the days leading up to the visit. you could say words to the effect of "we're going to see daddy soon, he can't wait to meet you and see how you've grown." Show her pictures if you can, explain how lovely he is, and that he knew her when she was a tiny baby, get her to make a picture for him... hype the whole thing up a little, so it's not entirely a surpise. Good luck! |
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