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| Advice sought to get ex involved with his children | ||
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Posted 08 February, 2010, 01:24 AM
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General Member
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Hi. I haven't posted here before, so I hopeI get this right - apologies in advance if this is the wrong place,  The short version of a long story: I have been separated for three years now, and after trying everything I can think of my ex has seen our children (now ten, nine, seven and three) three times and spoken to them on the phone a handful of times. During our marraige hewas an amazing father, extremely hands on, loving etc etc, to the point that I stayed in a very unhappy marraige longer than I really should have as he really was such a good dad. He also gladly took on the role of daddy to my elder two children (now 14 and 15) during our eight year marraige. Since our separation his involvement has been pitiful - from the day I left he did not see the children again for over a year. I have begged and pleaded for him to spend some time with them, I have laid low and hoped that some space would help the situation, i've kicked and screamed and 'demanded' that he see them. I understand, of course, that I cannot make him be a part of their lives, but I desperately need some advice on what I can to do encourage him to become involved. He does say that he loves them, misses them, would give anything to be a part of their lives etc, but there is always a 'but'... "but I'm too busy," "but it's too expensive to visit," "but I have a job" and the list goes on. Then at other times he will say that I have refused him any contact and that he is unable to see his kids. Unfortunately, unless you are the custodial parent, neglect and abandonment is perfectly fine in the eyes of the law which totally boggles my mind. I have tried mediation (he was too 'busy' to attend), attempted a parenting plan, spoken to solicitors etc. Does anyone have any ideas on what I can try next? Three years is such a long time. I understand that he has basically turned into a deadbeat dad (although he has a new partner, 'step'child and they have a one year old together) but I just can't give up trying for my children's sake. My mother abandoned me when I was a child, as did his father, and I know all too well the implications this has in so many ways. I know this is a legal forum, and I am pretty sure that legally there is nothing I can do, but reading through a lot of threads here tonight and seeing some fabulous advice prompted me to post and ask for some for my family. Thanks. |
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Posted 08 February, 2010, 03:39 AM
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Platinium Member
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There is no legal way to make the father see the kids. Is it possible that it is too painful for the father to see the kids? I have come across this before.
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Posted 08 February, 2010, 08:43 AM
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Percolo Alio
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Why not just take the children to see him when he is likely to be at home? If he's not in, try again another time. If he is in then say you'll come back and pick them up at a time that suits the situation. I believe if you do this you should be very positive, say for example, rather than saying something along the lines of it's your job/responsibility to have them, say that the children have really been asking to see you. Obviously you have to be very careful in how you approach this with the children, to protect them from having expectations dashed. Perhaps one of the issues is you being the conduit and that the real issue is him having to deal with you, perhaps the person who has done the worst possible thing in his eyes, by leaving him. Are there ways that you can facilitate contact without you being the conduit? Perhaps have the children try to establish contact, perhaps the two older ex-step children could play a part. I believe the father may well be suffering thoughts that I believe some father's experience. That even though they love the children that they feel that they must have done something wrong to not be able to offer them the protection that society instils in a father to give. They have this guilt, which can then lead to a depressed negative style of thinking. Often behind the no's, is really an underlying yes that cannot surface because there is an unconscious thought that to agree is to agree with what is derived from a wrong. Often reflection would have the father saying to themselves what a fool I was to ignore that chance for what I really want. Perhaps try methods that, say letters, that allow a greater deal of reflection and that avoid it being seen as being for you. |
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Posted 08 February, 2010, 10:55 AM
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General Member
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Mike, thank you for your thoughtful response. I can't take them to his home as he moved states pretty much immediately after the separation. Initially, he was too hurt and angry at me and that lasted for a while. Seeing his children = me having 'free' time and he didn't want that. I understood that and accepted it as being a normal response to an unwanted separation, but it didn't change the kids aching for their dad. For quite a while we kept all communication via a third party but this didnt help either. Eventually, I begged his mum for help and the kids went to her place and so did he and all the arrangements were made via her - the visit was wonderful. They loved it. He loved it. It took over a year to organise but it helped the children immensely to finally see him. Your suggestion of me writing him letters is so simple and so perfect that I feel the fool for not thinking of it! Being so emotionally involved and angry really can make it difficult to see straight and I guess this is effecting both of us in our attempts to 'sort this out', so thank you again for your response. |
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Posted 08 February, 2010, 09:39 PM
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Silver Member
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I am in a simmilar situation although mine is a case where my ex fought me for 2 years through the courts for him to have the children full time and after he did not get what he wanted he walked away. My ex also said one time (during one of many seperation times) that it was too painful to see the children. Although I can understand that a man can say that and I totally understand the emotion (i have been a parent where the father did not let me see the children as well as being the custodial parent) but I think it is purely an excuse. Although they may feel they emotion they need to be more of a man and deal with their responsibilities. Do they not realise that it is hard for the children when they don't make contact???? Perhaps if we as parents put aside all of our own emotions (men and women) and started thinking about the children's emotions things might work out a little easier. Seventhheaven my advice to you is to go about your life and raise your children the best you can. The more you push him to be a father the more likely he will run the other way. If he wants to play an active role in his children's lives then he will. It is hard for the children but it is better than them holding hope forever for something that may never come. I have a child that pines for his dad but there is nothing I can do as our only means of contact (court ordered) is via email and my ex refuses to reply. I am not a hounding type of person and I only send nice emails telling him what he needs to know about what is going on in the children's lives but he refuses to reply. I think there has to be something that the governement can do so that they can either make the other parent take their parenting role responsibly otherwise lose it. I don't see it fair that one parent does everything for the children - emotionally, physically, financially etc while the other parent has no contact, pays no child support and yet still has the right to make major decisions etc. |
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