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Where do I start?
Unreasonable demands from Ex.
Posted 11 February, 2012, 11:50 PM
#45290
General Member

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Good Evening,

I am new to this site, and am unsure if im in the right spot, so please bare with me!
I am after some advice as to where i should go next. 2 1/2 years ago i had a child with a man that i was in a short term relationship with. Due to drug and alcohol issues, i ended our relationship just after our son was born, as he (man) became very paranoid. Over the past years i have let my ex have as much contact with our child as he has wanted, as i want my son to have a relationship with his father, separate from our issues. I am single, and raise not just our son, but my older child from a previous relationship.


These last two years have not been easy, as my ex has swung between having little contact, then wanting to see him 3 or 4 times a week, then back to nothing. At present he is seeing him maybe once a week, and i am allowing him to stay over night at his house. We currently have no court orders in place, as im worried that going to court will escalate his paranoid behaviour which has become worse of late. He drives past my house constantly, keeping track of who is coming and going from my house, calling me and telling me i cant have my friends around our son.


I would never have anyone around my children who would be in any way unsafe. But he thinks that he can dictate to me who i have in my own home. Is he able to do this? Am i not allowed to have friends or family around in my own home? He has no grounds at all to claim that i dont look after the children in the best way possible, and when ever our son is in his care, although i worry, i never question who he is in contact with while he is in his fathers care as i trust him to be a good parent.

I am at the end of my rope with this paranoid behaviour (this is just the tip of the iceberg), and want to know if im able to get some sort of parenting plan in place that stipulates when my ex is able to see our son, and that i am then able to live my life with my children when our son is in my care.

I hope this makes sense!
Any advice would be greatly appreciated.

Note: minor edits made by Monteverdi to make it easier to read. No words deleted.  Two words added.



Last edit: 12 February, 2012, 05:31 PM by monteverdi
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Posted 12 February, 2012, 01:34 AM
#45297
Platinium Member

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I think you should bring your concerns to his attention.

1) You want him to see his son as apart of a routine.

2) You don't want him to stalk you or interfere with your life.

If you can't work something out then I suggest you talk to the police about the stalking etc.. to consider your options. Sadly you may have to keep your son with you whilst you work this out but you need to explain to the ex that it's very hard for you to trust him whilst he behaves in this way although under normal circumstances you would trust him.

If you can't work it out a parenting plan will not help as they can't be enforced legally. You will need court orders.

Whilst you are working out what to do I suggest you keep a diary of everything and have somewhere you can go if you need to hide.

Hope this helps.
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Posted 12 February, 2012, 01:14 PM
#45320
Non-joined user

Firstly, ther eis no "going to court" first... You must go to mediation, so simply tell him that you want routine in your childs life so he knows when he's at dads and when he's at mums (tell him this also helps with child support too if you wish). Then it's like sitting in a meeting room with him and a clerk and you set out your "wishes" (i.e time with father, time with mother, how you both decide on school etc and how he can't drive past your house and dictate who is there etc).

If you let him know it's more about getting it in paper to set out when you get him and when he gets them and that it will benefit him it will help with his paranoia... Also, there is no court. It's mediation out of court and the papers get sent to court (without you) to get signed. That is all.



Good luck :)
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Posted 12 February, 2012, 11:10 PM
#45336
Silver Member

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Jax0701

Hi, I would like to let you know firstly you are not alone and that certainly it is not an easy situation.

Firstly you need to ask yourself if it concerns that your ex has drug and alcohol issues,
Why is it you allow your son to spend time with him and especially overnight?

If he stalks you and is constantly tracking you, you need to decide whether you feel threatened to the point that your or your childs life is in risk of harm or danger.

If this is the case then you have a right to feel safe and be in a position to protect yourself and your child from harm.

You need to consider if it is wise to take out an intervention order for your protection and that of your sons.

You also need to ask yourself, if you do not feel that your life in real danger, I suggest rather you take out an intervention order and have police involved which might agitate things, it would be wiser to approach Relationship Australia or a women support group and ask for their assistance in resolving your concerns.

This may prove to be the most beneficial approach at this point of time and without knowing your full circumstances.

On the other hand if you do go to the police for help and you get an intervention order the police will inform that it being a family law matter the family Court will be the best place to go, and get Family Court orders which will override any intervention order the police may put in place to assist you.
 
Court is a very nasty place no matter what you do, for example if you go to the police and place an intervention order on your ex you are and may be deemed by the court as a parent who has lacked insight to whats in the children best interest for going to police and it can go against you in the long run.

If you do go to the police, only you will know if you have done the right thing for you and your son, go with your gut instinct on this one.

Since your view is, you yourself want your son to have a relationship with his father I would think somehow your ex needs to face and come to terms with his behaviors and realize the impact that it is having upon, one himself and that of his son. GOODLUCK

You can only be responsible for your own actions and there is no Court or person in this world that is able to change him if he does not want to change.

If you do not live with him any longer he cannot dictate to you how you choose to live your life.
Even though it sounds messy do keep diary notes of all incidents time date and what happened in detail.
As at the end of the day if an agreement is not reach between both of you only the Courts will be able to put in place an enforceable parenting plan.

Remember you are not alone and as far as assertions and allegations of competency it is all irrelevant keep it minimal and try not to let it concern you.

When people separate and live apart the connection between is always going to be bitter in some cases as a lot of anger and stupid things are said.

 :thumbs: GOOD LUCK
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Posted 14 February, 2012, 04:49 PM
#45409
General Member

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Thanks so much for all the advice. I have an appointment on Thursday with a family law solicitor, so we shall see how it goes. I tried to get mediation going previously but he refused, so hopefully this time he will be more forthcoming.
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Posted 14 February, 2012, 06:03 PM
#45411
Silver Member

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Jax 0701,

Good Luck with it all. I would like to make a helpful suggestion that might assist you through all of this.

Keep focused at all times do not allow your solicitor to convince you to do anything that you feel uncomfortable with, and certainly do not be afraid to speak up if you do not understand what is being said.

If you have doubts get a second opinion free through Legal Aid and or a support group do not let it all become overwhelming and stressful experience.

Always be in control of your thoughts and remain relaxed and do not show your weaknesses, if you have any? remain strong and cool.
  
Regards
 :thumbs:
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