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A Little Advice if you PLease
Posted 18 February, 2012, 10:16 AM
#45637
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Hi All, This is my first post and I am just looking for a little advice.

My children are with my ex this weekend.

Lately each time they come back home they relay another concerning message. They relay information to me freely with no prompting.

They say things like:

"We were told one of us is going to die. Once of use will get cancer and die."

"We were told you were going to die and leave us."

The other issues which has been happening is that at every changeover is that my ex is using disgusting language towards me, telling me to "F x x x off" and "Shut up" and calling me a "filthy fat pig", all infront of the kids.


My question is should I report this ? I am scared for the children's well being but I am also scared (because I know we will be going back to court) of looking like I am being the difficult parent, which is certainly not the case.

Advice please.

Do I report it to the right authroities ? Should I arrange to take my kids to a psyc to help cope with these situation ??

Advice please as I am DazednConfused
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Posted 18 February, 2012, 05:17 PM
#45650
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Children go through certain stages where they can focus on questions of death and the mortality of those they love and even themselves.  If there has been a death of a pet or some one they know of it can make them think others they know might die as well and be scared by the thought.  There could be talk about cancer or death going on at the moment at your ex's house and the kids are then letting that discussion take on a life of its own in their imaginations.

Alternatively your ex could be scaring the kids.  I would be reluctant to consider that at this stage if I was you as that is the worse case scenario and better to consider that there may be other more benign reasons for what the kids are saying.  Perhaps send a calmly written email to the ex just saying the kids are talking a bit about death at the moment and asking whether he has noticed the same thing.  There might be an an innocent reason for it.

Calling you names in front of the kids is not acceptable and you should minimise opportunities for this to occur.  This sort of stuff messes up kids heads to no end.  Could you drop the kids off/pick them up at the ex's parents for example or at a friends house?  Avoid face to face communication with the ex in front of the kids until you can speak respectfully to each other in front of the kids.

Don't need to take the kids to see a psych unless they are exhibiting noticeable changes in behaviour.  You might end up looking like an over-reacting parent trying to point score.  Don't worry about how you will perceived in legal proceedings because you will do your head in worrying about it.  Just relax and be yourself.

If the kids talk about death/cancer again try telling them that we all feel scared that certain things will happen to us sometimes and reassure them that they are safe and the world is a safe place.

Just in case the ex is saying inappropriate things to the kids just keep a brief diary of what they say but don't focus on it too much unless you see a noticeable change in their behaviour that is not age appropriate or temporary.
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Posted 18 February, 2012, 06:07 PM
#45652
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How old are your kids? I agree with April that sometimes kids have a macabre fascination with death and they are curious little people. Dont let them know you are stressing about this, but do monitor your responses and try to be as factual as possible as opposed to openly accusing the other parent of sabotage in front of the kids.

We have a policy in our house where we absolutely never denigrate the other parent in front of the kids (different story when the kids leave though  :) )

WRT to the name calling at handover, definately try to do handvoer at school (OP drops them off, you pick them up after etc), or do what April suggests, and try another family member of the OP who is more civil. Avoiding contact will give you both time away from contact with each other and may help settle the tension.

This whole business is never easy and its all driven by very strong emotion. Hang in there, you're doing a good job  :thumbs:
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Posted 19 February, 2012, 11:20 AM
#45707
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Thanks for your replies. I really do appreciate your time and help.

My eldest child is 8 who for the last 4 visits with her father has been wetting her bed on the evening before the visit (she has NEVER been a bed wetter, even when she first started going to be without a nappy). My middle child has been showing different behaviour and becomes very hard to handle leading up to the time she is to sepnd with her father. She tells me that her father doesn't love her and only wants to spend time with her older sister, that she is always in troub;e and that she has to stay home with her fathers new partner when he does things with her older sister. My youngest who is only 3 cries and never wants to go with her father at changeover. This time she was very sick (he wouldn't listen to me about her high temps (39's through the evening and day preceeding to the visit). The last time she grabbed hold of my leg and cried and really didn't want to go. I do try very hard to encourage them to go with their father and have a good time but it is very hard when they don't want to go and they are displaying concerning behaviours.

As far as I know no-one that has contact with the children has died and no-one is sick, so I don't know where the dying things are coming from or why he has bought it up with the children ? 

So the problem with handovers is this. I will not have contact with him unless I have someone with me, I don't know if it would hold up in court but the contact with him affects me so much that I have a dr's cert to say that I'm not to have contact with him unless I have a support person. My parents live a long way from the changeover point and it is a 3 1/2 hr return trip for me to the changeover point. My fiance comes with me. There really are no other options for changeover as the children's father have no contact with any of his family (due to anger and violence). It's a bit of a rock and a hard place situation. My finance is telling me that if this keeps happening he will not come with me which truthfully means that I will not go because I will not go alone, I just can't.

I just don't know how much you have to take before something can be done ? It seems like once you have orders that a magistrate has put in place (yes, final orders) that nothing else can be done. I am almost at my wits end, I cannot contact the children whilst they are with him because I didn't have a phone number up until a week ago and that number has been turned off all weekend. To be honest, it is certainly not in any of my plans, but I can see why some parents move interstate and stop one parent from seeing the children ! This is so terribly difficult seeing the children suffer and having to see and hear their father treat me so badly in a public place. I don't know what to do but I am trying my hardest to encourage their relationship with their father but it is getting harder and harder.

We also have a policy that we do not denigrate the other parent whilst the children are in the house.
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Posted 19 February, 2012, 11:58 AM
#45712
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Dazednconfused
From what you have written alarm bells are ringing.  I would be greatly concerned.  The well being of your children is a priority.    I would want to know the triggers for the behavioural changes you have described. Have you spoken to your eldest child's school teacher?  Has her school performance deteriorated or changed in some way?  Has she withdrawn become quiet?
I suggest taking your children to their GP and discussing it with him or her.  
I would also halt access visits until you resolve the behavioural changes.
You will not be in contempt of court, and no magistrate or judge or policeman can make you do anything you don't consent to.
The children's welfare comes first.

First they ignore you, then they laugh at you, then they fight you, then you win.  M K Gandhi
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